A letter to someone who will never see it.

Self gratifying post not really meant for a wider audience, but it makes me feel better to write it.

The reason I cannot be the partner you want is because you have no idea who I am. This is not your fault. I am guarded, that has been true for as long as I can remember.

You don’t see the world the way I see it. You don’t see why things upset me. When I lament injustices you tell me I’m too uptight and overreacting. The truth is, I want to rage and scream. What you are seeing is an under-reaction.

You tell me how impressive it is that I can talk to anyone like they are my best friend. I can do that because I give everyone what they want. I only show them the parts of me they want to see. A good friend once told me that I am whoever I am with. That has always made me sad because I realize that it’s true, but I see it as the only way to get where I want to go with my life. That is partly justification for the fact that I don’t really know how to change. Regardless, you don’t see me either. You only see what I have shown you and that has only ever been exactly what you wanted. If you ever looked deeper I would be yours in a heartbeat, but you don’t.

I know I am hurting you by telling you no. I am hurting myself, too, but you cannot understand that. I love you. I always have. I just can’t be the partner you want.

On some level I feel good because this is the first time I can think of that I chose not to compromise myself for the sake of a relationship. The problem is that now I’m desperately lonely.