Retrospective analysis

Or, Why I was not satisfied with my most recent relationship:



There’s a way for a woman to “dominate” a partnership that is pretty common in vanilla (and kinky?) relationships. It’s called the keep-him-wanting-more method. It’s coy, it’s “feminine” and it’s bullshit. “I want to talk to him, but I called last time so I’ll wait ‘til he calls me this time.” You mention in an oh-so-aloof manor that you’ll be out with friends but you’ll try to give him a text if you get a chance. You appear busy, you make him grateful that you can spare a few minutes for him. You make sure he knows that you’re in charge of the relationship because clearly you could up and leave at any time. I know how to be that untouchable female. I’ve done it. Then I grew up. I realized that I want to dominate a relationship in a more substantial way. I have no desire or need to play those kinds of games. I want something deeper.
Here’s the thing. I’m asking for your submission. That’s more than just words. That’s a big deal. That’s you trusting me with yourself. That’s the most substantial gift you can give. I am asking you to trust me in a way that is deeper than what most people have in a vanilla relationship. To ask that of someone, I’m going to be trustworthy. I’d be a major bitch if I wasn’t. What that means is: I‘m going to spend a great deal of time and energy focused on you. How else can I really know you? I need to know your likes and dislikes and wants and needs. I need to be able to interpret your words and actions and understand the things you can’t put into words. I need to understand how you’re feeling even when you can’t tell me. I’m going to need you to take the time and energy necessary to show yourself to me, in every way that I ask. While you’re doing that I also expect you to try to learn me. Hardly seems fair to ask so much of you, does it? (well, that’s my brand of D/s, take or leave it.)
So I don’t have time for, “oh I’ll wait ‘til he calls me.” When I want you, I’ll come looking for you. That’s going to be often. That SHOULD be often. If a woman isn’t paying a lot of attention to you, do you really want to trust her with the gift of yourself? Some people have this idea of the aloof and indifferent domme. She rarely takes the time to acknowledge your presence and you’re expected to grovel at her feet and be grateful for every morsel of attention she deigns to throw your way. Okay, I admit, that’s kind of a hot fantasy, but it doesn’t make sense to me in the context of a real relationship. At any rate, it’s not what I want or expect in a real relationship.
I expect a lot. I will give you a lot. You should strive to give me more. That’s the game I play. It’s intense. It’s supposed to be. Can you handle it?

Just want to say it...

I’m not sure you check this e-mail. Maybe that’s good. I’m not sure I want you to see this. Maybe I won’t send it. I don’t know. I just want to write it…hoping that writing it makes it hurt less.

Yes, I’m hurting. Right now, in this moment, I don’t feel strong or mature or resigned or any of those things. I love you so much. I want you back. You are this beautiful perfect boy and for a minute, you wanted to be mine. We were connected. You told me I was wonderful and beautiful and you loved me and it felt so good. I want it back. You made me feel happy and confident and strong. Not at the end, but at first you did. It’s been a long time since someone has made me feel like that. I don’t actually remember anyone making me feel like that. I want it back. I want you back. Not just because of the way you made me feel, but because you’re you. I love you, exactly as you are. I don’t even think I can say I’ve loved anyone like that before. There were always conditions. Not with you. You were just mine. For a minute…I was so happy.